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In a culture where online communications and communities can be set up in seconds, it is striking that loneliness is still rampant. Even in the church, a place where we might hope for an oasis of love and acceptance, we can find interactions awkward and superficial.
It’s for this reason that Vaughan Roberts takes us back to the Bible, and challenges us to consider our need for true friendship. He’s both honest and clear in his approach as he shows us that knowing and being known by God is the hope we need to begin to deal with the sickness of our ‘self–love’ society.
So whatever the state of your friendships, take heart and take hold of this book – because as you do, you’ll see that we can live out our true humanity as we sacrificially love others for God’s glory.
Each chapter includes thoughtful reflection and discussion questions to help change us as we read, as well as practical suggestions for how we can make a real difference to our friendships.
(In a Glaswegian accent) “What is the loneliest city in the world?” “Naples (Nae Pals)” We don't want to live there do we? Well, have you ever grumbled that your friends keep letting you down? Why are they never there for me when I need them? Have you ever thought “I need to get some new friends”?! If so, you'll find this book immensely helpful and profoundly challenging. You will be taken through six chapters that will help to colour our Christian friendships. It begins with the necessity of committed friends for a growing Christian life, and concludes by pointing us to Christ as our greatest friend and perfect example, who is guaranteed to forgive our many let downs. In between these two chapters come qualities essential to friendship, namely: closeness, constancy, candidness and carefulness. This is a searching book, because it doesn't simply expose where our friends may be weak, but lays out in front of us that failing friendships start with us. If we long for godly, wise and caring friends then the answer is to start modelling this ourselves. What's it about? A refreshing look at the wisdom Proverbs gives us on all things friendship. What did you get out of it? Firstly, a searching look into the requirements of being a good friend, and learning that what we bemoan as lacking in others friendship we must first examine in ourselves. Secondly, a real encouragement as to the worth of investing in close friendships Who is it for? Anyone who has friends and takes serious that “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” This will help your Church family so don’t just buy one for yourself, buy some for your friends (the more you buy the cheaper they are) so they can hold you to this standard of friendship. How long does it take to read? Not long, you could read this in a sitting of 2/3 hours! Warning! It may take much longer to let it sink in and affect you.
‘True Friendship’ is a very short book (less than 100 pages). There are only six chapters (and they are all alliterated for those Baptists reading this). Chapter one is a call to friendship, after that Roberts begins to lay out the characteristics of friendship – it should be close, constant, candid and careful. He then finishes with a chapter on the importance of Christ in friendships. There are several things which are excellent about ‘True Friendship’: 1) Roberts has his finger on the pulse of modern society. In the introduction Roberts talks about the phenomenal success of the American sit–com ‘Friends’. He quotes one of the actors from the show who says ‘It’s a fantasy for a lot of people – having a group of friends who become like family’ (pg. 11). In this technological age we can contact whoever we want in an instant from the comfort of our own sofa, yet instead of strengthening friendships, more often than not, this has only weakened them. Friendship is one element of modern life that is missing and Roberts has identified that. 2) Roberts is straight forward in how he talks about the topic. Often books on practical topics like this allow us wiggle room to pinpoint faults in those around. However, Roberts does not allow this self–righteousness to settle in our hearts – he gives us a summons to consider our own failings on this front. We are encouraged to think about our actions, confess our sins, receive forgiveness and try again – ‘Pray, Trust, Obey. Ad infinitum’ (see What’s in a resolution? By Nathan Blair). Roberts does not let you off the hook easily and that’s a good thing. 3) For those who have not read Roberts before, be reassured this is not a self–help book. Roberts writes with great theological awareness and a good handling of Scripture. Of particular benefit is his use of Proverbs. 4) Nonetheless, this is not a dry theological treatise on friendship. Throughout the book Roberts applies the lessons of his chapters and gives very practical advice. For example, in the middle of the book Roberts gives four pointers to building friendships. He says be selective, be open, be interested and be committed (pgs. 47–50) and under each heading he takes time to explain why and how these are to be carried out. In addition to the practical content there are also questions at the end of each chapter for personal reflection or group discussion. 5) This book is short, with small pages, large font and is therefore very readable (Roberts is a particularly readable author). Because of this it makes this resource accessible to everyone – it can be read by everyone; teenagers to seniors, enjoyed by the reader and non–reader alike. There are some things which I think we miss out on though: 1) While having a short book is of benefit, I am also left wanting more from Roberts. It is like eating small portions at a posh restaurant – what you get is great, but you always want more. This is heightened by the belief that Roberts would certainly have more to say on the topic, and the more would be just as good as what’s in the book. 2) Probably connected to the brevity of the book I also felt I would like more clarification on the distinctions in friendship for married and single people, as well as some more guidance on friendships with Christians and non–Christians. At times Roberts did mention these things briefly, but very often it was only a passing comment. I am left with questions like ‘Do I have to get a new best friend if I become a Christian?’, ‘Can my spouse be my best friend? Or do I need someone who can speak into my marriage?’, ‘What bearing does this have on friendship evangelism?’, ‘Should I have any truly close friends who are not believers?’. On the whole Vaughan Roberts’ book ‘True Friendship’ is a great read. It is a timely book that offers page after page of wisdom on an aspect of life at which many of us today are notoriously bad. So, if you are in a book club, have a group of friends you’d like to grow closer to, or are just lonely, get this book, read it and then put its principles into practice – our churches need members who have true friendships.
Three hours. That’s the time it took me to read this book, skim the reflection questions, work out which areas I needed to pray about more and send some texts to key friends who have been dropping off my radar recently. That was three hours well spent! In this winsome and wise text, Vaughan Roberts explores a subject that is dear to our hearts but often poorly understood in a biblical framework – friendship. In a few short pages he shows that friendship is integral to what it means to be human – necessary if we are to live wisely as children of God and a great opportunity to give, receive and grow. Throughout the book, Vaughan is careful to walk the line – never encouraging us to become a stoic, looking soley to the needs of others nor advocating unhealthy dependency where our hope rests in other people. Instead, this bite–sized resource is a great spur to do friendship Jesus’ way – aspiring to be children of God who give and receive love, nurture and encouragement to change. It’s a great read… and a great spur to do friendship better. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off for a cuppa with a mate now…
A super little book – really, really helpful.
Friendship is a topic that is rarely tackled. This book is an excellent introduction to Christian friendship. I particularly liked the concept of the "idolatry of Eros" in our culture: married people withdrawing from other friends, and single people feeling left out. Christians are often too busy and neglect friendship. This is a timely call to a better way.
Whilst our culture touts “self–love” as the ultimate form of happiness and satisfaction, which is ironic because our self–centredness is exactly the problem, Vaughan Roberts shows us the better way in this book. This is a pithy book that served me as a solid introduction on the subject of friendship. In 6 short chapters, the author exhorts the reader towards a high view of friendship as a God given blessing rooted in the finished work of Christ. As God states in his word in 1 John 4:19, “we love because He first loved us.” I enjoyed his use of alliteration for the chapter headings which definitely helped me to remember and apply the main points. He addresses the facts that friendship is crucial, close, constant, candid, careful, and Christ–centred. He spends some time also addressing some challenges in building and maintaining friendship such as increased mobility in our day, the technological age we live in, seasons of life such as single versus married, and personality preferences of introversion versus extroversion. He also warns against emotional dependency, control, and unhealthy exclusivity noting that we shouldn’t have messianic expectations of our friendships. The final chapter is the best of all as it ties all his previous points, noting that “The Lord Jesus can be as real to you as a human friend. Only Jesus Christ can ultimately satisfy the hunger of our hearts.” He goes on to state too that “the recognition that even the best of human friendships are limited is certainly not a reason to avoid them, but is rather a spur to look beyond them to Christ.” He wraps it beautifully that our friendships should “begin in Christ, continue is Christ, and be perfected in Christ.” What a glorious and magnificent picture of the blessing the good Lord has bestowed to us as his image bearers, to be able to relate to him and others because of Jesus. I hope you’ll get a copy and read it. It will encourage your heart to be a good friend and help you flourish in your friendships.
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